Sex Scenes, Cat Ears and Strobe Lights: My Strangest Day On Set.

 Sex Scenes. 

It's. Not. Porn. I promise. 

(This entire experience is a comedy sketch and can be viewed via this link)

Director - Hey Danny. How are you doing?

Danny - Good, thank you. Great to finally talk to you,

Director - Absolutely. Likewise. So, let's get straight to it. I'll tell you my influences for the film and then give you a run down of what it's about - going to look like, etc. 

Danny - Sounds good. 

Director - Perfect. So, it's a cross between porn and Quentin Tarantino. 

Danny - (Infinite Silence). 

The above conversation more or less happened. I am 99% sure the last line came from the directors mouth. At least 90%. 

But Danny, surely this is the brightest, most reddest flag in the entire effing world! 

Al I can say is this...woops. 

The above conversation more or less happened in the hot summer of 2013. I am fresh out of East 15, I have an agent (wow), no professional acting experience, and I am eager to to try anything. Absolutely anything. A short film popped up on CCP (Casting Call Pro), advertising a student film. From what I remember, the film was about the devil impregnating a woman whilst disguised as an angel. I am the devil/angel in this scenario. The casting call stated that the role required nudity, but the actors business would be covered.

Perfect! A sex scene, I thought. 

I phoned my agent and I spoke excitedly, in my then youthful 24 year old voice. I remember shouting words like NAKED and SERIOUS ACTOR and IS THIS A GOOD IDEA? My agent, being the great guy he was, said "Absolutely do it, if you feel it is something that will benefit you in the long run." Wise words from him. Looking back, I think he wanted to me to see the light myself, but I think he also knew that an actor must find their own way and make their own mistakes. So I went ahead and did just that.

I applied for the role and, as the director's luck would have it, I matched the character description near perfectly in terms of my looks. To give you an idea, in 2013 I was slim, pale, and I had thick white hair. Perfect for playing a slim, pale angel. Now I am more or less the same, but I am bald and I have a beard. I arrived to the set. So, one phone conversation and an audition later, I found myself in a posh hotel room in a nice hotel in London. I have no idea which hotel it was. If i'm honest, I barely knew on the day of the shoot. 

Now, I am not going to go into minute detail regarding the shoot itself. I will only give you the important highlights. 

Introduction to scene partner. 

Were we introduced? Yes. 

Did I remember her name? No. I still don't. 

Did we talk the entire time we were on set, including during the sex scene? Not that I can remember. 

Did I find this strange? A million times, YES. 

Why didn't I speak? I was too nervous. I was about to film a sex scene with a stranger I was certain was dating the director. And there was at least 8 crew members in the room. 4 of which would soon be looking up at my arse. 

The Clothes Come Off. 

I remember standing around in my civillian clothes, going through the choreography of the scene, chatting with various members of the crew about what the scene would entail. I must have said "hello" at least, to my scene partner. Who knows. The director turns to me and says "Danny, take off your clothes and we'll set up the lighting, but you can keep your pants on."  Great! I approached the bed. I copied the somewhat robotic movements the director told me to do whilst I non verbally interacted with my scene partner. (Did I mention it was a silent film?). She, in a night gown, which stayed on throughout the shoot, wrapped her legs around my waist and we mimicked the act of intercourse. Meanwhile, the lighting technicians arranged strobe lights that would flash in my face during the filming of the scene. This whole segment of the shoot was precisely as awkward as it reads on digital paper. I would like to point out, I was the only naked person in the room that day, and it felt like it. Once in my underwear, I distinctly remember the director saying to me how great I looked and that I "could model for Gucci." At the time I took it as a compliment. It's not until years later I can look back and realise how inappropriate the comment is/was. 

No Cup. Sorry. 

The time had come. My pants were to disappear and be replaced by a sock, a sticker, or a skin coloured cup of some description. I was in the bathroom, removing my underwear when suddenly there came a knock on the door. 

"Danny. We're really sorry, but we don't have a cup for you. We won't see the front of you at all (true), but would you mind being naked?"

Of course, the correct response is a firm, NO. 

Now, I am reaching out to you, dear reader, with my hands and shaking you by the collar. Do not, under any circumstances, agree to do an intimate scene, sex scene, implied or otherwise, completely naked, without choreography or an intimacey coach or an in depth discussion with both you, the director and your scene partner. Even if the nakedness is implied; don't do it. There are people far more qualified to talk about all this stuff than I am. This is my one and only experience, but not my only experience taking my clothes off on camera. More on that another time. 

By now, you have guessed that I said "yes, absolutely. I'll also remove my skin as well, if that helps?"

There I am. Stark, bollock naked. A camera to the side of me, strobe lights underneath my face, a box light to my left and a camera looking up at my arse and back. I am naked. My scene partner had been asked if she was okay with all of this. She must have said yes because, despite the lack of a cup, filming went ahead. Thankfully, she kept her gown on throughout. Her legs were wrapped around my stomach, just above my belly button. I had to hold her there for each shot. My back was sore, my arms ached, but come hell or high water, I was holding that position. And I did. At the time I was in the zone, hoping I was doing a good job, thinking this is how shoots are, regardless of whether it was for a university. 

I said previously that the film was silent. I now recall both myself and my scene partner being asked to make sex noises; grunting and heavy breathing. The standard stuff. I remember one guy saying,

"Danny, when you orgasm, can you open your mouth a little bit more. Maybe breath a little heavier."

I think this was the point that I was done. I'd had enough. My optimism had peaked and plummeted. 

The Devil in Cat Ears.

The Devil appears in the film at the end in the form of a silhouette. We did not have Devil horns, but we did have cat ears. In silhouette you'd be surprised to know that they do actually still look like cat ears. In the script I seem to remember the Devil being described as having a long tail. We did not have a tail. However, due to the resourcefullness of the crew, we fashioned a tail out of a long, black cable and some black electrical tape. The make shift tail was taped to my boxer shorts. We are now between shots, and there I am, sitting in my pants wearing cat ears and I have a cable taped to my arse. The gaffer offered me some chocolate. I ate the chocolate, like a good little cat, we filmed and then I left with my long black tail between my legs. 

Professionalism, Sex Scenes and afterthoughts. 

The crew, including the director, were all lovely, by the way. All of us were completely green in terms of experience. They were still studying, and I was fresh out of Acting School. From the audition to being cast and then to filming, everything ran like clock work. It was one of the most organised student films I have worked on. Having said that, the lack of discussion in regards to the sex scene and the absence of a cup or any protective clothing, really made this a tough shoot from start to finish. 

I have been unable to find the finished film for some time. It may pop up again. You might see my arse, just so you know. I apologise to anyone involved if some of the details regarding dates and location are wrong. This is all from memory. 

There are many things that should have happened in hindesight. I could have requested an in depth discussion about the scene. I could have point blank refused to film anything without a cup. I should have requested an open dialogue about all of this with my scene partner and the crew. I have lived and I have learned. Suffice it to say; don't make the same mistakes I made. If something feels off, don't just grin and bare it. Don't aim to be a people pleaser and just get on with the work. Speak up, for yourself and for others. They might be feeling the same as you. 

A lot also has to be said for the University. At the time, I don't think these details were focused on a great deal. Thankfully, now in 2024, things have moved in the right direction. Intimacey coaches are present on a lot of sets when intimacey, sexual or otherwise, is written in to a script. 

If you have read this far, thank you. Please reach out to me if you have any questions regarding the blog. X

If you missed my comedy sketch, click here.